Ok, I haven't blogged much about this but dammit I need advice! So, here goes.
I met this guy back in February. A mutual friend introduced us via Facebook and we have been talking ever since. We text all the time and sometimes talk on the phone, but it's more text as we both do not enjoy sitting on the phone. Our schedules are really difficult as they conflict, but we try to see each other as much as possible and now that I live in my own place again I think it might be a lot easier for us.
He had a really rough year last year. Him and his girlfriend of two years broke up and he got a DUI at the beginning of the summer. He's currently without a license and it really, really bothers him. It doesn't bother me, I know he's getting his license back and he just made a mistake. Honestly, I deserve a DUI a right now and know that I have just gotten lucky. Nonetheless, it bothers him that he can't drive me around or easily meet me somewhere because he's at the mercy of someone else.
This past weekend we had a GREAT weekend. I felt like we made tons of progress, we talked about our "relationship" and what we were. We even talked about changing our statuses on Facebook -- seems a little silly, huh? I guess that's the world we live in now...
I had known he was scared to get in another relationship and just scared in general, but after the weekend I thought maybe he was past the point where he was too scared to move forward. I might have been wrong. Stupid me had to go open my big mouth last night and ask him how he felt about everything we talked about.
Here's how our conversation went last night (it's all through text). Please don't judge me, I turn into a sarcastic bitch when I'm upset.
Me: Are you ok with everything we talked about last night?
bf: Honesty, it still makes me really nervous
Me: I thought so, just trust me
bf:Honestly, I'm still hurt from my last breakup amber
Ok, I'm cutting in here. He has NEVER mentioned not being over her. I know he didn't say he wasn't but he hasn't said one peep about her or the relationship besides it's over. Except for Saturday night when he said he was nervous because his last breakup was bad and they weren't friends anymore and he didn't want that to happen with us.
Me: I'm sorry, if you don't want to be with me I understand
I don't know why I said that, seriously, I sound pathetic.
bf: I didn't say that, I'm just not sure I'm ready
Me: This contradicts everything you have said to me in the past couple of days. I don't understand why you say things like wanting to meet my parents if you're not sure
bf: Because at times I do. I do like you Amber
Me: I'm trying to be patient but I feel like I can't keep up with how you're feeling
bf: So what are you saying?
Me: Just that I am trying to understand, I want to be with you but not if you're not over someone else
bf: You know I want to tell you I am but I don't even know sometimes
Me: Ok, I'm going to bed, I'll talk to you later
bf: That's it?
Me: I hope not. I hope you're not mad
bf: I'm not acting mad at all. I'm just making it as clear as possible for you Amber
Me: Really? Thanks (insert his name here)
bf: Is that sarcasm?
Me: I'm sorry but you're not being clear, you say all these things and then the next day it's like you take it all back
bf: You know what, things seem a lot simpler when I've been out. I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?
Me: I'm sorry I brought any of this up. I like you too and don't understand why we're making this so complicated.
bf: I don't know either. I'll just see you around
Me: What are you saying? Is that what you really want?
bf: No, but I'm just not giving you what you want
Me: But not seeing you anymore is not at all what I want
bf: Well outside of that I don't know what I can give you
Me: So, what does that mean? Do you still want to date and see where it goes?
bf: Just take it slow still. I'm sorry. It's just I have so much shit
bf: What are you expecting from me right now Amber?
Ok, I hate when people use my name like that. It feels attacking. Condescending. He's never done that.
Me: I don't know anymore. I'm confused and need to think.
Me: Do you expect anything from me?
bf: I don't expect anything from anyone anymore
Me: I'm glad I've impressed you, that hurts
Me: I'm sorry, I know I'm being a sarcastic bitch right now
bf: No you aren't but you just don't understand
Me: I'm trying
bf: You can't promise me things and I can't either
Me: I know
No, I don't know. I lied. Honestly, I wanted to stop talking. I actually wanted to stop a long time ago but he kept me going.
This is where I went to bed, but then 30 minutes later he texts again.
bf: Honestly, what are you expecting?
Me: I guess an effort because there's no denying we have feelings for each other and I'm not willing to throw that away. Just an effort to keep doing what we're doing and see where it goes.
Me: : Okay
bf: anything else?
Me What do you mean?
I was getting really tired and was out of it...
bf: Anything you need to get out there?
Me: Not right now, honestly I'm scared to.
Me: Because I don't want to get hurt or hurt you
bf:Yeah I know
And that was it folks. I know, right now you're probably thinking "Wtf, why is she even bothering. He clearly doesn't want a relationship with her!"
I guess there's just a lot more to it, that I can't explain.
Any advice is appreciated...