Monday, May 4, 2009

So frustrated....

Ok, I haven't blogged much about this but dammit I need advice! So, here goes.

I met this guy back in February. A mutual friend introduced us via Facebook and we have been talking ever since. We text all the time and sometimes talk on the phone, but it's more text as we both do not enjoy sitting on the phone. Our schedules are really difficult as they conflict, but we try to see each other as much as possible and now that I live in my own place again I think it might be a lot easier for us.

He had a really rough year last year. Him and his girlfriend of two years broke up and he got a DUI at the beginning of the summer. He's currently without a license and it really, really bothers him. It doesn't bother me, I know he's getting his license back and he just made a mistake. Honestly, I deserve a DUI a right now and know that I have just gotten lucky. Nonetheless, it bothers him that he can't drive me around or easily meet me somewhere because he's at the mercy of someone else.

This past weekend we had a GREAT weekend. I felt like we made tons of progress, we talked about our "relationship" and what we were. We even talked about changing our statuses on Facebook -- seems a little silly, huh? I guess that's the world we live in now...

I had known he was scared to get in another relationship and just scared in general, but after the weekend I thought maybe he was past the point where he was too scared to move forward. I might have been wrong. Stupid me had to go open my big mouth last night and ask him how he felt about everything we talked about.

Here's how our conversation went last night (it's all through text). Please don't judge me, I turn into a sarcastic bitch when I'm upset.

Me: Are you ok with everything we talked about last night?
bf: Honesty, it still makes me really nervous
Me: I thought so, just trust me
bf:Honestly, I'm still hurt from my last breakup amber

Ok, I'm cutting in here. He has NEVER mentioned not being over her. I know he didn't say he wasn't but he hasn't said one peep about her or the relationship besides it's over. Except for Saturday night when he said he was nervous because his last breakup was bad and they weren't friends anymore and he didn't want that to happen with us.

Me: I'm sorry, if you don't want to be with me I understand

I don't know why I said that, seriously, I sound pathetic.

bf: I didn't say that, I'm just not sure I'm ready
Me: This contradicts everything you have said to me in the past couple of days. I don't understand why you say things like wanting to meet my parents if you're not sure
bf: Because at times I do. I do like you Amber
Me: I'm trying to be patient but I feel like I can't keep up with how you're feeling
bf: So what are you saying?
Me: Just that I am trying to understand, I want to be with you but not if you're not over someone else
bf: You know I want to tell you I am but I don't even know sometimes
Me: Ok, I'm going to bed, I'll talk to you later
bf: That's it?
Me: I hope not. I hope you're not mad
bf: I'm not acting mad at all. I'm just making it as clear as possible for you Amber
Me: Really? Thanks (insert his name here)
bf: Is that sarcasm?
Me: Yes
bf: Thanks
Me: I'm sorry but you're not being clear, you say all these things and then the next day it's like you take it all back
bf: You know what, things seem a lot simpler when I've been out. I'm sorry. What else do you want me to say?
Me: I'm sorry I brought any of this up. I like you too and don't understand why we're making this so complicated.
bf: I don't know either. I'll just see you around


Me: What are you saying? Is that what you really want?
bf: No, but I'm just not giving you what you want
Me: But not seeing you anymore is not at all what I want
bf: Well outside of that I don't know what I can give you
Me: So, what does that mean? Do you still want to date and see where it goes?
bf: Just take it slow still. I'm sorry. It's just I have so much shit
Me: Ok
bf: What are you expecting from me right now Amber?

Ok, I hate when people use my name like that. It feels attacking. Condescending. He's never done that.

Me: I don't know anymore. I'm confused and need to think.
bf: k
Me: Do you expect anything from me?
bf: I don't expect anything from anyone anymore
Me: I'm glad I've impressed you, that hurts
bf: Wow
Me: I'm sorry, I know I'm being a sarcastic bitch right now
bf: No you aren't but you just don't understand
Me: I'm trying
bf: You can't promise me things and I can't either
Me: I know

No, I don't know. I lied. Honestly, I wanted to stop talking. I actually wanted to stop a long time ago but he kept me going.

bf: Ok

This is where I went to bed, but then 30 minutes later he texts again.

bf: Honestly, what are you expecting?
Me: I guess an effort because there's no denying we have feelings for each other and I'm not willing to throw that away. Just an effort to keep doing what we're doing and see where it goes.
bf: Yeah
Me: : Okay
bf: k
bf: anything else?
Me What do you mean?

I was getting really tired and was out of it...

bf: Anything you need to get out there?
Me: Not right now, honestly I'm scared to.
bf: Why?
Me: Because I don't want to get hurt or hurt you
bf:Yeah I know

And that was it folks. I know, right now you're probably thinking "Wtf, why is she even bothering. He clearly doesn't want a relationship with her!"
I guess there's just a lot more to it, that I can't explain.
Any advice is appreciated...


The Emery's said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lmtjc19 said...

Oh god, sounds so familiar!!!

My ex and I dated for three years then he said he didn't know what he wanted, blah blah. So we separated for 6 months and then he came back. I stayed with him for 5 more years after that and the same thing happened again. He wasn't ready to make the next step in our relationship.

This time I left without looking back! I figured out that I deserve someone better then that. I got tired of the "I'm confused" or "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know where the relationship is going" etc.

You need to do what feels right for you and only you can make that decision.

In my opinion he isn't over the breakup and he needs to figure out what he wants. Right now he doesn't know and it's not fair to you to have to deal with his ever changing feelings for you.

I don't think he is trying to play with your heart or use you, I just think he is confused.

My only advice for you is to tell him what you want, that you want a relationship with him and to move forward. If he can't give that to you then move on. Maybe he will realize then that he really wants to be with you or work on his issues a little more to be with you.

I know for me looking back on my past relationship I feel like I wasted so much time and energy for nothing because I couldn't change him or make him be in a relationship when he wasn't ready.

The Emery's said...

Sorry, I deleted my comment b/c it was a bit TMI. I really wanted only you to read it...not the world.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

Have you read He's Just Not that Into You? I don't know if he really is or not, I don't know your situation except for this post, but that book clears up a lot of was like a bible to me in college. :)

I can relate to being afraid to let yourself fall in love again, but at the same time, it's unfair to take out the fear/frustration/whatever out on you. I guess just give him a little time and see where it goes would be my advice. :)

Shoshanah said...

I feel like I went through this exact same thing with an ex, down to saving the im conversations and over analyzing them later. And while eventually we were "its complicated" on facebook for 3 months or so it didn't wind up working out. But if I hadn't pursued things, I never would have known how wrong he was for me.

Lesli said...

Ughhhh!! Frustrating. You do have to take it slow with him, I think and take a step back I guess.

It all comes down to timing, and if he is not over his last relationship, you don't want to be the transitional girlfriend. You want to be THE girlfriend.

I have told you this privately, but I think you should date other people and since I know you really like (insert name here) you should still see him too. But sounds like he needs time & space and patience.

A Super Girl said...

Sounds like he still needs to figure things out, so I would give it some time, and if someone better comes along, I wouldn't ignore it.

I'd also say you need to talk about this stuff in person or over the phone. Trust me, I'm not a phone person either and my bf and I mainly communicate through text or e-mail. But to have that big of a conversation both in length and subject matter over text isn't a good idea. So much gets lost in translation.

Good luck!

Amber said...

Aww that sucks!! Sorry to hear about this.

I dunno, I know it's super complicated but it sounds like he's in kind of a weird place right now. Maybe just kind of give him an ultimatum and tell him you can't handle his back and forth and that he can call/text you when he's ready to commit and see what happens. If he doesn't commit than you deserve better!

Amber said...

Thank you so much guys... I truly appreciate all of the advice. For some reason my gut is telling me to be patient. That if I'm patient it will be worth it, but is that my head, or my heart? My heart has never been right... :(
I have read He's Just Not That Into You, and actually own it. I think I know what I need to do, but I just don't want to do it! I think I'm just going to give this some more time, lay low and see what happens. I'm definitely not ready to end it, even though any sane person probably would!

Larissa said...

im so sorry its taken me so long to respond to this! lol! I just want you to know that trying to be with someone who is still hung up on their ex is not good for you. I tried being with someone like that recently and he couldn’t put his heart out there. I ended up almost falling for him and it would have been ugly. You can always try to stay friends and when he’s truly ready, you two could try things again. I’m really sorry that this happened to you. If you ever need anything, you know where to find me. Goodluck, do what is best for you, but be careful. It sucks to get your heart hurt.