Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Letters to the Animal Kingdom

Dear Libby,

I get it. You're a spoiled, stuck up cat. Things cannot always be on your terms though. I love you and think you are the best cat in the world, but lately you have been driving me nuts.
  • Please do not jump on my desk, sit on my computer (or textbook) while I am trying to study. You are choosing the wrong time to get my attention!
  • No, you cannot get in the shower with me, I know you like water, but no. Just no.
  • Is it really necessary to kick half of your litter out of your litter box? Why do you do that?!
  • Can you just try to get along with Zeke, Lexi and Chico? I see absolutely zero effort from you and it's disappointing me.
Sincerely, your loving owner Amber

Dear Zeke,

Well, buddy, we've been together 2 years now - can you believe it?? You're such a good dog and I'm really glad you came to live with, but lately you've been a little weird. You've always been a little weird, but you've taken it up a notch lately. Maybe it's the colder weather?
  • Your "I-need-go-outside-right-this-second" stare is just creepy. Especially at 3am when I wake up and you're staring at me. Try this.... barking! It works wonders. Trust me.
  • I'm never taking you to the farmers market again if you decide to poop or pee in the middle of MLK while crossing or right on Court Ave for all the people shopping to see....
  • Lexi is your cousin, please do not do inappropriate things with her.
  • The UPS guy is not the devil. Please do not try to attack him or his truck. Oh, and that truck? It will run you over. Please do not run in front of it again. That was not your finest moment.
Sincerely, the softie that owns you Amber

Dear Chico,

You're a grumpy old chihuahua, but you're sometimes my favorite. You're the perfect size to keep curled up in my lap while reading or watching tv. I know you're happiest there too - it's really cute! Sometimes you're number 1 on my shit list though...
  • Peeing in your mom's shoes (my sister) is NEVER acceptable. Funny? Yes. Mean? Very. I know you're mad at her, but just don't, ok?
  • We are not mind readers. I know you think we are, but we're not. You have to TELL US when you need to go out. This may be done by whining, crying or barking. You may even employ the Zeke Stare method. It works too.
  • I know you know you're a little dog. You're only 6 lbs for goodness sake. So for the love of God, do not try to attack the 75 lb golden retriever in our neighborhood. You will lose and it will be ugly. You're smarter than that.
Sincerely, your favorite (and only) auntie Amber

Dear Lexi,

Lexi, Lexi, Lexi... you're a princess. Everyone knows that. You know that.... but your princess status does not excuse you from several things...
  • Chewing on walls. (seriously, why? Just why?)
  • Pushing your brother, Chico, down when you want what he has (such as a prime spot on my lap... ;) )
  • Getting into the garbage. Please do not use your abnormally long weiner body to your advantage. One more time and I'm buying a baby lock for garbage (for the love of...)
  • Darting outside before your collar is fastened. You're going to give me a heart attack if you make it outside without your collar. I don't want to chase a deaf dog.
  • Helping yourself to the goods at the farmer's market. You have to be asked first! Don't be rude...
  • Taking another dogs treat (especially when that dog appears to be over 100 lbs).
Sincerely, that sucker with the blond hair

**Note - This is not me complaining. I find our pets to be hilariously adorable and I hope you do too. :)


Amber said...

Lol I can't believe how many pets you guys have!! Two keeps me MORE than busy :)

This is cute, I might have to do the same!

Stephany said...

Haha! This is such a funny post. I absolutely love it. My dog gives me the stare as well when he needs to go out. My other dog would just sit by the door and stare at me so intently and with such focus that it creeped me out a little and made me feel so guilty for making her sit there for longer than 30 seconds.

Dutch, at 11 pounds, also likes to attack the bigger dogs. He wants nothing to do with the small ones.

Anonymous said...

I love your animal kingdom! Some days, I don't know how you do it though.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Lol! Chewing on walls?!? What?

Marisa A. said...

Hahah oh many I could come up with a years worth of posts for my animals. But I wouldn't trade them for the world!

Becky said...

"Try this.... barking! It works wonders."

OMG I laughed for a full minute.

Holly said...

I LOVE this post! Pet quirks are the best. :)

Angie said...

I love this post!!!! I want to do one on Phil and Ricky! Great idea! Zeke and his creepo stare, ha!