I started writing a Thankful Thursday post, but there is something else going on today that's a little bit more real. I'm still thankful, but instead today, I'm blogging about.... Therapy? Therapy Thursday?
Blogging about this subject is sort of uncomfortable for me, but I'm going to plow through for the sake of growth. I am going to see a therapist today for the first time about some anxiety that I have been feeling for quite some time now.
Growing up my dad has experienced intense moodiness and mood swings. He was never violent towards us, but many times we did not know what to expect when he came home from work. His moods dictated the atmosphere at home all the time. He was diagnosed with depression several years ago and has been on antidepressants ever since, and life has been very good.
I love my dad, and there are many qualities about him that I hope I possess as well, but this quality is not one of them. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to make people uncomfortable or fear me when I come around. I know he doesn't want that either.
This is why I am going to see someone.
I don't feel like I have the extreme mood swings he does, but maybe I do? I know I tend to get snappy sometimes, and I spend a lot of time afterward worrying about it and worrying that my friends will desert me.
I get this fear of being deserted by my friends from an incident in my childhood. I know that is where it is coming from, but I don't really know what to do about it. I know this fear is irrational, and to be completely honest, I have a lot of irrational fears like this one.
Most of my fears are normal, everyday fears but I take it too far. I worry about things too much and it affects my day to day life. I get stressed way too easily and I know that I shouldn't have to live like this.
Several years ago a friend of mine suggested that I should see a therapist and she thought I was depressed and was worried about me. I was really hurt by it and not at all open to it. In fact, I was kind of upset with her. Why did I seem depressed? I didn't see it at all. I felt (and still do) that people should look for natural ways to cure problems like this instead of jumping straight to medication. I don't think I am depressed now, and I don't think I was then either... honestly, I think it's simply anxiety. Which, I know can lead to depression.
I've tried natural cures, like more exercise and more time on hobbies I enjoy, but nothing seems to work. I still get stressed easily and take my fears too far. Blogging used to be my form of therapy, and it really still is a form of it for me, but I hate having to keep my blog anonymous to really let it do it's job as a form of therapy. I have gotten in trouble for blogging about personal issues among friends that were bothering me, so I have instead taken the blog towards a different more positive focus.
Hopefully seeing a therapist will work. I requested a female counselor, because I don't think I would feel comfortable discussing my fears with a male counselor. Maybe it's something simple I need. Maybe she will have some suggestions for things I can do or try to ease these feelings. I have no idea. Maybe medication is what I need? Since it works for my dad, maybe it can work for me too.
How do you feel about seeing a therapist? Would you ever see one if you were having feelings of depression?