I have a confession. I am a crier.
I cry when I'm sad, mad, glad, embarrassed, stressed... it is just the way the emotion comes out, I guess. The problem is, I really hate this about myself. I have tried to come to terms with it, and I have even tried to change it. Heck, I am still trying to change it!
I think I need to learn to accept this about myself, though.
I told myself back in August that I WOULD NOT cry at school in front of my grade level team (or, anyone for that matter). Now that I am in my fourth month of teaching, I look back and realize that I really set myself up for failure with that goal. I have cried in front of both of the other two fourth grade teachers and one first grade teacher. Pretty sure I will add more to that list before June, too.
I really don't think crying is that big of a deal, it is just how emotion comes out of me, but ... it's embarrassing. It's especially embarrassing when the final straw that makes me cry, is something minute. For example...
Today we had a shortened day and were out at 3:10 (as we are every Wednesday) and in the afternoon all the fourth grade teachers had a professional development to attend about our new reading system, so we had subs in the afternoon. Every little thing had been wearing on me and stressing me out beyond belief, and before I knew it, I was crying.
Today, I burst into tears (ok, burst is a little dramatic. Teared up...) because my mentor teacher told me not to bring a lunch, that we would all stop at Subway on the way there and eat at the beginning of the meeting. Come to find out, right before leaving for the meeting, both of the other teachers brought their lunch to eat in the car on the way. I was annoyed because I was worried I would be one of the only people eating lunch at this meeting.
It didn't help that my sub didn't show up and I was stressing over that too... My sub was supposed to be there at 11:30, so she could take my kids to lunch at 11:40 and I had to be at the meeting across town at 12pm. At 11:40 when the sub wasn't there, one of the other teachers told me to go and she would take care of the class for me so I would have time to stop...
This year is really no joke. There is just. so. much. that. is. new. It really is very wearing. Not to mention my district has adopted a new reading system, so all of the teachers are trying to navigate that and nothing is set and it just seems chaotic and unorganized ... it's just... yeah.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I feel so so so blessed to have it. I am not entertaining ideas of not coming back after summer or looking for another job. Nothing like that at all. I want to stay where I am at, but I want the constant lump in my throat to go away. I want the feeling of being able to help other people to come back. I want to know what I am doing and not constantly ask others for help. I want the unknown to be the known again. I always kind of scoffed at teachers that said their first year they almost had a nervous breakdown, but.... I get it. I really get it now.
Are you a crier? Have you ever cried at work or are you one of those freaks of nature that can hold it and save the tears for when you are safely at home? If so, what is your secret?